How do you love someone
by Knifeinthedarkness
Summary: Takes place 5 years after the blight. Akaviri Cousland is a mage who loved the bastard prince before it all fell apart. It follows her story from Ostwick, to the Temple of sacred Ashes and the conclave.
1. Prologue Before the storm

Darkness had settled over the camp once all was set up; Morrigan camped out away from everyone as per her usual way. Sten walked the hill watching for intruders, Chestnut my beloved mabari laid by the opening of our camp. Alistair was tending to dinner, much to Leliana's dismay. Zevran was playing with his daggers watching as I walked back from the stream. Wynne was mending Alistair's shirt mumbling unhappily by her tent tucked away behind the main row, and Oghren was Oghren.

"Hey Akaviri, come here!" I looked over to see Alistair standing up from the fire that held tonight gurgling dinner. I walked overseeing Alistair holding in his hand a blood red rose.

"Here look at this, do you know what this is?" he reaches out and gives me the rose.  
I raise my eyebrows and smirk at him.

"Is this a trick question?" I fill my voice with humour, though curious to where this is heading.

"Yes absolutely I'm trying to trick you, is it working? Ah I just about had you, didn't I?" he replied back with the same amount of humour filling his voice, he leans back raising his lips into a smirk that makes me smile.

"You've been thumbing that flower for a while now." I finally let my curiosity seep into my voice. His voice drops as he speaks next.

"I picked it in Lothering. I remember thinking, 'how could something so beautiful exist in a place filled with so much despair and ugliness?'" He stops to think about his next words, Chestnut barked and started to chase down a stick that Sten had thrown.

"I probably should have left it alone, but I couldn't. The darkspawn would have come and their taint would have destroyed it, so I've had it ever since." I smile at the sentiment that he was telling me, thinking that this man had a sweet way with his words.

"that's a nice sentiment, Alistair." I feel happy that he was sharing this with me. He smiles and looks down before raising his head and looks at me.

"I thought I might give it to you actually. In a lot of ways, I think the same when I look at you, Viri." I smile at my nickname.

"Thank you Alistair, that's a lovely thought."

"I'm glad you liked it, I was just thinking… here I am doing all this complaining, and you haven't exactly been having a good time of it yourself. You've had none of the good experiences of being a Grey Warden since your joining, not a word of thanks or congratulations. It's all been death, and fighting and tragedy. I thought maybe I could say something. Tell you what a rare and wonderful thing you are to find amidst all this… darkness. I don't know, maybe this was just a stupid impulse, was it the wrong one?" he looks at me with slight concern, I smile hoping to put his fears to rest.

"No, it wasn't. Thanks, Alistair."

"I'm glad you liked it. Now… if we could move right on past this awkward, embarrassing stage and get right to the steamy bits, I'd appreciate it." He smiles his sweet smile; I laugh before replying, not honestly know what to make of it.

"Sounds good! Off with the armour then!" he blushes a deep red before stuttering his reply.

"Bluff called! Damn! She saw right through me! I'll be… I'll be standing over here until the blushing stops. Just to be, uh, safe. You know how it is." I hum in response before turning away to tell Sten that I did see him throw that stick for Chestnut.

"_I'm going to marry Anora."  
"What? Why?"  
"Because it's the right thing to do, you may be a noble but you are also a mage, and I can't marry you."  
"But…"  
"No buts, I never should have let our love go as far as it did, in the end it means nothing. Now if you excuse me, I need to talk to Eamon about the final battle and then the wedding."  
"Why are you still playing the puppet Alistair, you had no wish to be king, now you let Eamon dictate your life! Why?"_

"_That's none of your business, now if you excuse me I have things that need to be done."_

"Knight-Enchanter Cousland!"  
"What?" I growled after the rapid knocks then the door startled me out of my sleep, a dream I was quite thankful to awaken from. "The Knight-Commander says that they are ready to depart for the conclave soon. Sir are you alright? You're crying." I gingerly touch my cheeks to find that the templer was right. "I'm fine, just a bad dream. Tell the Knight-Commander I will be down soon, oh, and please let's just keep this as our little secret." I smile warmly at him, hoping he will leave me be, thankfully he bows and departs with a mummer of the agreement.

_It's been five years, why won't the tears stop? _

**A/N: My first try at DA, this is a DA: I, despite the fact that it starts off in DA:O, had to give a background (though it sucks). Instead of the Trevelyan as the Inquisitor, I'm using my DA:O noble and changed her to a mage, it will make sense later. **

**EA and Bioware own Dragon Age and its franchise; I own nothing but Akaviri (even that name belongs elsewhere) **

**Hope you have enjoyed it, review if you please. If you have any questions and comments feel free to message me :D**

**Kae **

**P.S. 10 points to whoever can guess what game I got the name 'Akaviri' from. ( Yes the points thing is a reference to Harry Potter) **

Prologue

**NOTE; THIS HAS BEEN UPDATED, PLEASE TELL ME IF THE FORMATING IS STILL OFF. **


	2. Chapter 1- Waking Up

**A/N: there will be swearing in this chapter… and most likely in every other chapter. There will also be mentions of wishing to die… Cheery… **

**This is just so you know.**

"I see that I was wrong, you are good for each other."  
_"Wynne, I should have listened to you from the start. I messed up so badly, I was a fool!"_

I opened my eyes to see that I was lying on the ground, the green swirled around distorting my view. _Oh fuck, I'm in the fade, Makers breath why does this happen to me?_ Standing up I brush off the particles of dust that lines my soft sky blue dress armour. _What happened how did I get here? _My thoughts were disturbed by the clicking and squeaking, noises that I had heard much of my travels in Ferelden, groaning I turn to see massive black spiders running at me. Almost crying out in fear and annoyance I ran into the light that was sitting on the top of the hill. I ran like the Archdemon had set my ass on fire, _again_, looking up I saw a woman holding out her hand for me to grab. Grabbing her hand she pulled me up and flung me out of the fade, stumbling around and looking, I saw that there were people coming toward me. _Oh, thank the Maker._ Darkness took me as a sharp pain ran through my hand.

"_Morrigan, when this is over and if I still live, take me with you when you leave. I just want to go home, I want to go back to the circle."  
"'Tis I don't understand, you are free mage bound to the Grey Wardens, yet you wish to return to the gilded cage of the circle?"  
"It's better than being reminded of the betrayal I suffered at the hands of the Grey Wardens. I should have listened to you and Wynne, I was truly a fool thinking he cared."  
"Oh, very well I'll take you back to the circle, it's not like anything I say is going to change your mind, is it?"  
"No, thank you, my friend."_

"Ahh!" I yelp out in shock and pain as I'm pulled from my dream, the voices and sadness leaves my body as the shock and pain take over. Rolling my hand over I see a scar that has a weird green light emanating from it, I hear marching footsteps outside the door before it's nearly slammed off its hinges. One of the people who entered is stalking around me, she passes near a torch and I see the symbol of the Seekers on her breastplate. _Oh fuck, what have I unconsciously walked into now?_ It takes all of my restraint not to swear, _swear now Viri and they will believe that you have something to do with this, you don't know about anything._

"Tell me why we shouldn't kill you now! The Conclave is destroyed. Everyone who attended is dead. Except for you." the seeker growls at me, I refuse to answer and look up to the other woman. Her face, it was so familiar, the red hair and those eyes. _Leliana._ She looks at me accusingly like she doesn't know me… it doesn't surprise me.

I changed the way I look after the blight, I let my hair grow out, the curls framed my face the rest were laced into a sort of bun at the back. I allowed Zevren to do a tattoo under my eye in a soft blue. I was most likely covered in sot and dirt from collapsing in wherever I was. The seeker grows tired of waiting for my answer and roughly pulls up my arm, "explain this!" as if on cue the mark lights up green, surrounding my whole hand.

"I… can't!" I stumble out, not knowing anything, but the pain in my hand.

"What do you mean 'you can't'?" Both the Seeker and Leliana walk around me as if looking for a place to strike should they deem it necessary. I think of ways to prove my innocence I may as well tell them everything I know, as little as that may be.

"I don't know what that is, or how it got there." I try to make my voice sharp, but the reality of what happens is sinking in, this will lead nowhere good. I was right the seeker lunges at me with the look of a hungry predator who's pray has avoided them for too long.

"You're lying!" _Oh holy Maker, help me!_ Thankfully Leliana was quick in pulling back the seeker.

"We need her, Cassandra!" it hits me then, either Leliana has forgotten me or she really doesn't recognise me, both thoughts hurt.

"I can't believe… all those people… dead." It wasn't so much that I don't believe it, it was more that I don't want to. Leliana, after chasing back the seeker- Cassandra- turns to me, voice a little softer than before.

"Do you remember what happened? How this began?" the look on her face tells me she knows bit more than I, and is searching for answers, solutions l can't give her.

"I remember running. Things were chasing me, and then… a woman?" it was the best I could give her, it seemed to be what she wanted though.

"A woman?" Leliana leaned back and folded her arms while Cassandra continued to pace around me, "She reached out to me, but then…" I trailed off not knowing where to go, my memory failing me. Cassandra walked up to Leliana, I wasn't sure whether this was a good thing or not? Where they going to call my execution?

"Go to the forward camp, Leliana. I will take her to the rift." Now I was utterly confused, what was the forward camp? And the rift? _Well, this just went from bad to worse._

As Leliana walked out the door she looked over her shoulder and nodded, she looked at me and her gaze was unreadable. Cassandra walked to me and knelt down, undoing the metal binding only to bind my hands with rope. "What did happen?" I was beyond confused, I wanted answers as much as they did. Cassandra looked at me her face showed mild sympathy, perhaps she was starting to see I had no clue as to what happened. She pulled me to my feet "It will be easier to show you."

Walking out into the sun hurt my eyes, I didn't want to remove my hands from my face. That was until I saw that my hands were not the snow white colour they generally are, but instead have a green tint to them. Curious as to why I lowered my hands, looking into the sky I inhaled sharply trying not to let out a startled yelp. There was a massive green vortex swirling around in a circle, distorting the clouds around it, levitating debris, this was not what I expected. "We call it 'The Breach'. It's a massive rift into the world of demons that grows larger with each passing hour. It's not the only such rift, just the largest. All were caused by the explosion at the Conclave." She turned to me startling me, I look towards her pulling my eyebrows together in confusion, never had I heard such a thing, and I was there when Anders blew up the chantry.

"An explosion can do that?" doubt rang strong through my voice.

"This one did. Unless we act, the Breach may grow until it swallows the world." _My, aren't you a ray of sunshine?_ At that moment the 'Breach' pulsed sending a searing pain up my arm, causing me to collapse to the ground. Cassandra moved to kneel in front of me.

"Each time the Breach expands, your mark spreads… and it is killing you." _Indeed the brightest ray of sunlight the Maker could send huh?_ "It may be the key to stopping this, but there isn't much time." Despite my confusion that really did hurt like a son of a _bitch_ so I wasn't going to ask for too much information. I knew myself well enough to know when to speak, I was in too much pain to not be a sassy bitch. _Keeping thought and opinions to myself, lest she runs me through with a sword._

"I understand."  
"Then…?"  
" I will do what I can. Whatever it takes."

_Maker, what have I agreed to?_

The walk out of Haven was mostly uneventful, just a bunch of people with really mean stares, and me collapsing on the road after another pulse from the Breach. Leaving the gates, however, was a different story, people were running back to Haven screaming about the end of the world. _And people call me a pessimist._ Cassandra was telling me about what happened before and after I 'fell out' of the fade. Crossing the bridge I saw a ball of green hurling towards us, I turned to try and get away from it but was stonewalled by Cassandra's chest. We fell and was attacked by shades, picking up a sword I struck the one closest to me, flinging lightning and ice at it between the strokes of my sword. "Well, that just happened!" I started brightly, it felt good to be fighting again. Cassandra stalked up to me holding her sword in an aggressive stance I knew was aimed at me.

"Drop your weapon!" she shouted, her eyes darted to the fallen shade realising the ice that still clung to it still form. "Ok, just watch where you swing that, I'm no enemy."  
"You're a mage!"  
"Well… yes and no. I can use magic, so yes I'm a mage."  
"But why are you using a sword, not a staff? There is one lying over there." She gestures to the cache.

"Hence the 'no'. Haven't held a staff in like six years, wasn't going to if there was a sword available." She held a face of mild surprise, "Seeing as you are a seeker, I thought you would know about Knight-Enchanters."  
"You're a Knight-Enchanter?"  
"I did just call myself that, so yes."  
"Huh. Keep your weapon, not that you need it by the looks of that magic."

We ran through the valley to reach the temple, that was not a good idea, I took out a shade by sheer clumsiness… yes, I fell off the side of a hill onto it. After many attempts to climb a frozen staircase without breaking my neck, we reached a group of people fighting shades and demons. Once the fighting was done with an elven mage grabbed me and raised my marked hand at the rift, a green sort of lightning bonded to the rift causing it to flatter and falter before it closed completely. I look at my hand in confusion before Turing to the Elven mage. "What did you do?" _ Maker, his head is so shiny, it's like a magic fortune ball. I kinda want to rub it… Shit. No._

"I did nothing, the credit is yours." I looked at my scarred hand.  
"Well, at least this is good for something."  
"Whatever magic opened the breach in the sky also placed that mark on your hand." _Great now I'm really tied into all this shit._

"I theorised the mark might be able to close the rifts that have opened in the Breach's wake- and it seems I was correct." At that, Cassandra walked up to stand beside me.  
"Meaning it could also close the breach itself." _Oh, fun_.  
"Possibly." _Scratch that. _"It seems that you hold the key to our salvation." _Not this again, I've had enough of being people's salvation. _

"Good to know! Here I thought we'd be ass-deep in demons forever." The voice sounds familiar. I turn to see a dwarf with a crossbow slung over his back. _What was his name, something short like him that starts with 'V', Vincent…? Nah…_

"Varric Tethras." _There it is. _"Rogue, storyteller, and occasionally unwelcome tagalong." _A friend of Niernen Hawke and Anders._ He winked at Cassandra, who shot daggers at him, it took all my restraint not to laugh. Last I saw him he was chasing after Hawke during the battle at Kirkwall, why would he be here had he joined the Chantry? I wanted to know.

"Are you with the chantry, or…?" I asked, the fortune ball just laughed and asked if I was serious. _I take that as a 'No'._

"Technically I'm a prisoner, just like you." Cassandra went on to tell Varric that she just wanted him to tell his story and that he was no longer wanted, to which Varric said that he was coming along as the valley was now full of demons, giving Cassandra a very charming smile, one she growled at. _I feel sorry for any man who wants to get in her pants… cause he ain't going to get any._ After a bit more of a discussion, I found that Varric had nicknamed fortune ball 'Chuckles' and that fortune ball's name is Solas. Solas pointed out that I was a mage, despite not using magic he still knew. This was something I would have to remember to ask about. Cassandra stated that we needed to get to the forward camp quickly, once she was out of earshot Varric told me he was happy to see me again. I was confused that he even remembered me, I was going to ask, but Cassandra called to tell us to hurry up.

Reaching the forward camp lead to me being called a murderer from some clerk of the chantry, _ass-hat,_ being forced to make a decision to either use the mountain pass or fight with the soldiers. I chose the soldiers Maker know what they would face. Walking away and into the fighting we stumbled onto another rift in the middle of the battlefield. fighting demons, wraith and terrors I saw a face that was familiar, though I never got the chance to know for sure… until the fighting stopped.

"Lady Cassandra, you managed to close the rift? Well done." _Maker, No! Please be anyone but him!_ "Do not congratulate me, Commander. This is the Prisoners doing." Cassandra stated I can hear their boots making their way towards me. I knew this man was a templer, his stride told me as much. I turn to face him, it took all my energy not to cry. _Cullen. The Maker hates me, doesn't he?_ _First Lel now this. Fuck._

"Is it? I hope they're right about you. We've lost a lot of good people getting you here." _Don't I know it_, _Maker, he sounds angry, please don't let him recognise me… please…_ "I can't promise anything, but I will do what I can." I tried hard tostop my voice from shaking. If it did no one mentioned it.

"That's all anyone can ask." That's what he said, but his voice didn't match the words.

"The way to the temple should be clear, Leliana will try to meet you there."  
"Then we best move quickly. Give us time, Commander."  
"Maker watch over you- for all our sakes." His voice was low and hard.

_Maker, why?_

Walking into the temple was painful. I had cleared this place of dragon worshipers, only for this to happen 5 years later. "Varric?"  
"Yeah, Sweetie?"  
"How many days ago was the explosion?"  
"About three, why?"  
"Well, happy fucking birthday to me, three days ago. Figures."  
"Oh… Does this happen often?"  
"You have no idea."  
"Huh."

The fight for closing the breach was different… Fucking pride demons.

Raising my hand to the breach, the light from my hand connected to the torn veil. Pain raked my body as I willed the torn veil closed… as that happened my conscious started to fade… I wanted it all to end… not just the breach… the pain as well…

I went to blink but never opened my eyes…

_Let it stay this way… please…_

**A/N: Wow that's a long one for me… **

**Sorry about all the swearing…**

**As usual, if anyone has a question I will be more than happy to answer them. **

**Again, I don't own the game, I do own my character. **

**Kae :D**


	3. Chapter 2 War Room of Emotions

**I'm going to note here, the voice I imagine for my character, is a lot like Leliana's. For those who have played Origins, its closer to when she was calling Sten a softy. For those who don't know what that sounds like, I suggest looking up Dragon Age: Origins party banter by DanaDuchy. **

_Damn it John, you didn't close the curtains properly, yet again. _"John please close the curtains." I groan rolling over to my side away from the light, someone lets out a light curtains are closed and the door closes.

_"Damn it John, where are those books?"  
"I don't know Knight-Enchanter Cousland, Knight-Enchanter Thompson wanted them though."  
"Of course he did… He has been after those books since we left the circle at Ferelden, life after the blight wasn't easy for those left alive in the circle, as you know. We thought that it would be better if we could be warriors and fight against the bad that we can do against our own evil. Though Lachlan won't stop until he knows everything, the way he treats mages you would think her was a Templer."  
"Knight-Enchanter Thompson's first name is Lachlan?"  
"Yeah… do you even know my name? Or are we all referred to by our titles?"  
"By your titles… I don't even know your name and I've been your apprentice since you came to Ostwick."_

"The prisoner should be awake by dusk, she was stirring earlier asking for the curtains to be closed by… John?"  
"Who the hell is John?"  
"I dunno."

_"Uhhh… well then, my name is Akaviri Cousland, Enchanter from the circle of Ferelden."  
"Wait you're a Grey Warden! The Hero of Ferelden!  
"Not anymore, I left the order and that life."  
"You would know Knight-Templer Cullen Rutherford."  
"Yeah, I know him… erm…. Go, uhh, I don't know, go meditate, I'm going to go find Lachlan- Knight-Enchanter Thompson…"  
"Knight-Enchanter Cousland?"_

_Maker knows what Cullen thinks of me, what he said… I don't blame him, I'm not angry or hurt… not anymore. I have seen my fair share of blood mages and what they can do, I would say the same in if I were in his position. _

"Well that just happened." Walking through the town people had hailed me and called me the 'Herald of Andraste' while the priestess' were not so sure of me. Reaching the door of the chantry pushing open the door I could her the argument over wind starting to blow up a wailing gale– ignoring the fact that I was starting to stress- it was the seekers voice that was echoing out and about the hall at the time, the voice was muffled just enough that I could hear it but not understand what was being said. Walking towards the door the voices grew louder and easier to understand, angry words were being thrown about and above all that I was still being called a murderer-_ harsh, ok it's true I have killed more than my fair share of people, though in truth they attacked me first. _I deem it a better idea to just get it over and done with then try and run away, they would only track me and kill me, whether I would die a scapegoat or they kill me for trying to escape; I didn't want to find out.

"Chain her, I want to prepare to travel to the capital for trial." the chancellor – Bob, Rob? Who knows, who cares? Yells towards the Templars at the door. _Wow, plot twist. Who didn't see that coming? No one? Good, predictable as usual… bloody chantry priest, wanabe someone important, kiss-ass. _"Disregard that and leave us." _Thank the Maker for Seeker Cassandra._  
"You walk a dangerous line seeker." _as do you._ Cassandra looked less than happy with the way that the Chancellor was speaking to her, not that I could blame her, had I still been the young apprentice I once was I would have frozen him the sent a current of lightning through it. "The breach is stable but it is still a threat, I will not ignore it." _That's the attitude we need, not this run around like chickens with our heads cut off like the chantry would. _  
"So I'm still a suspect, after all we just did?" This ass would make me believe that everything we had done had been for nothing, that my near death experience was not good enough, and that I was still the scapegoat for the chantry.  
"You absolutely are." The Chancellor had dropped his voice to sound menacing, Cassandra shifted, he eyebrows furrowed in anger towards the opposing Chancellor. "No, she is not."  
At this point Leliana walked forward, her stance was showing that she was ready to attack if need be, "someone was behind the explosion at the conclave, someone most holy did not expect. They had died with the other or they have allies that yet live." She didn't need it to be said out loud, it was clear in her voice what she was implying. _She suspects the Chancellor? _The Chancellor picked up on this and quickly changed his stance from threating me to a defence, his voice raised from its deep monotone to a higher pitch. "I am a suspect?"  
"You! And many others!"  
"But, not the prisoner?"  
"I heard the voices at the temple, the divine called to her for help." Cassandra interjected over Leliana to get her point across.  
"So her survival, that thing on her hand, all a coincidence?" The Chancellor made a point to sound completely unconvinced at that idea._ Is he forgetting I'm here? _  
"Providence," _Charming, now I'm just convenient._ "The Maker send her to us in our darkest hour."  
"You forget that I'm a mage, right?" I don't understand, this woman is trained like a templer, why does she believe this. How is she sane?  
"No I haven't forgotten, mage or not, you were what we needed when we needed it." _Why do I feel like this is going to be like the blight? Right place at the right time, most would say._  
"The Breach remains and your mark is still the only hope we have of closing it." Leliana directs that comment at me while Cassandra wonders to the back room, this doesn't stop the Chancellor from continue on trying to be the 'big dog' in the room.  
"This is not for you to decide…" The Chancellors speech is cut short by Cassandra slamming a book onto the table. _Maker's breath, a little warning would be nice before you go around slamming books that thick down._ The book is brown and is boarded by decorative iron, with an iron symbol in the middle. _The seekers symbol._  
"Do you know what this is?" _No, please do inform us seeker. _"A rite from the divine granting us the authority to act. From this moment I declare the Inquisition reborn." Cassandra stalks towards the Chancellor before poking him in the chest and continuing her rant, "We will close the breach, we will find those responsible and we will do this with or without your approval." _Way to make him like us even more than he already does._ Frustrated that his arguments are getting him nowhere the chancellor stalks out of the room, Cassandra raises her hand to her hair and rubs it, unhappy with his response.  
"This is the divine's directive, rebuild the inquisition of old and find those who stand against peace. We aren't ready, we have no leader, no numbers and now no chantry support." _Thanks to Cassandra and yours truly._ Leliana's voice had softened out as not to upset Cassandra further.  
"But we have no choice. We must act now, with you at our side." _Oh, goody._  
"When I woke up I certainly didn't expect this outcome."_ When I left the Grey Wardens to retune to the circle I didn't expect this. Told this to me 6 years ago I would have called you made, the proceeded to do something incredibly stupid to be made tranquil, Maker knows that would have been better._  
"Neither did we."_ is that sympathy I hear in Leli's voice?_ Cassandra turns to me and holds out her hand, "Help us fix this, before it's too late." I hesitated for a moment, unsure of what to do, did I really want to get mixed up with saving the word again? Perhaps not, but someone has to and everyone knows, _the Maker has a sense of humour._

After all had been said and done Haven was in a frenzy, Cullen had placed up a flier on the doors of the chantry notifying everyone on the formation of the Inquisition. Leliana was sending birds out in order to ask for help. Chancellor Rodrick (Cassandra told me his name, after giving a sort of amused huff at me calling him Bob) was stalking away from the chantry glaring from the flier Cullen had put up. Cassandra was walking through Haven looking at all of the soldiers that were under the command of the newly formed Inquisition. I had gotten my armour and spoken to Cassandra about the formation, at this point I was done, the sisters either worshiped me or ignored me.

I walked out of the Chantry hall before anyone could stop me I needed to think, shit just got really real, I wasn't ready, I had been hated most my life for what I was. When I tough I had found someone to love, someone who I thought would love me magic and all turned away and told me they hated me for what I am. Now I'm surrounded by people who would make me remember those days, Oh Maker, how I hated those days.

Varric stopped me on my way out of the main part of Haven, he was sitting near a fire down the bottom of the stairs, trying to groan as he called me out by my nickname, I turned and walked to him. "So, now that Cassandra's out of earshot, are you holding up alright? I mean you go from the most wanted criminal in Thedas to joining the armies of the faithfuls. Most people would have spread hat out over more than one day." Varric's voice was slow, I'm not even sure he knows what just happened and e has seen a lot of weird shit with his travels with the Champion of Kirkwall.  
"So many people died, and I have no idea what's happening anymore." I get that out quickly, _oh no, I don't want to rant to Varric, the dwarf is the last person I want to give this rant to. Maker knows I need to though, and Varric is a friend. _  
"That makes two of us, for days now we have been staring at the Breach watching demons and Maker knows what fallout. Bad for morale would be an understatement. I still can't believe anyone was in there and lived."_ You and me both Varric, on that note you are just preaching to the choir._  
"I'm still not sure I believe any of this is really happening." This is beyond the blight, an Archdemon is real, I saw it, heard it, fought it, and killed it. This, I can't kill.  
"If this is all just the Maker winding us up, I hope there is a damn good punchline coming. You might want to consider running at the first opportunity, I've written enough tragedies to recognise where this is going. Heroes are everywhere I've seen that, hell I'm talking to one, but the hole in the sky that's beyond heroes we're going to need a miracle." _Did someone ask for a miracle? Well here I am, I guess._ Varric walks back to the fire and continues what he was doing, now I knew I really needed space.

I'm called back to the chantry once again, I was given most the day off to get my new amour, because apparently my battle mage amour wasn't enough for them. Harriet was more than accommodating to changing my new amour to make sure it fitted comfortably and was to my liking, it allowed me to feel a sense of normalcy, the men working with Harriet were wary of me at first but after seeing Harriet working happily with me they acted less like they were working on a ticking time bomb and more like men just working on the amour of a warrior; this was a first for me. The chantry was quiet, minus that of the sisters mumbling the Chant of Light, the 'war room' stood quiet, not the screaming match it was earlier today.

No sooner had I opened the door and lifted my foot I was bowled to the ground with a mass of purple pinning me to the ground, stunned, that is not a strong enough word for the emotion I am experiencing. Two voices ring out in unison, giving me the answer to just what- or whom- is pinning me to the floor, "Leliana!" Cassandra sounds angry, while the other voice –unknown to me- cries out in worry. Thanks to my short height Leliana lifts me off the floor, she has me turned so I can just see a lovely tanned woman dressed in a frilly purple and yellow dressy sort of thing and holding a clip board. Casandra speaks first, "Obviously you know Leliana…" only to be cut off.  
"I know you?" I ask Leliana, trying my best not to laugh, she just looks at me with a mockingly confused face. "No, I don't believe I do…"Casandra just scoffs and rolls her eyes.  
"Yes, very funny. In any case, Lady Cousland let me introduce Lady Josephine Montilyet, our ambassador. Ambassador, Lady Cousland."

Josephine bows politely towards me, "Pleased to meet you my lady."  
"Please, don't call me 'my lady' I haven't been a Lady since I was 10. Call me Akaviri, please. It still feels weird not being called Knight-Enchanter." Leliana- still strangling me- seemed unfazed by my original title, while Josephine looked surprised. There was a small grunt somewhere in the room, I would originally assumed it was Casandra, but it was to muscular to be her, that leaves- _Oh, shit._

_Cullen. _

"You meet Commander Cullen on the field." Casandra continued on, I hoped that no one saw my change in mood, other than Leliana, luckily no one seemed to. "It was briefly and I didn't realise that the Hero of Ferelden was at first our Prisoner then our savour." Cullen spoke out strongly, obviously trying to hide the waver in his voice. Casandra's face turned from blank, to angry quiet quickly, it would have been funny if the anger wasn't turned towards me. "You. _You_ are the Hero of Ferelden?! A mage who swings a sword and is a smart ass?!" she yells at me, I try my hardest not to roll my eyes but it doesn't work, so she just continues. "We spent forever trying to find you and contact you, but you never answered, why?!" Casandra came stalking towards me, Josephine was startled at her reaction, and obviously she knew who I was past my titles. Leliana had moved so she was more or less covering me from the rage of Casandra, Cullen looked worried while nervously rubbing the back of his neck, he had not expected this reaction certainly. "Depends on where you were looking, knowing the seekers they were looking for a Grey Warden, not a Knight-Enchanter. Try looking in the circles while you were in the Free Marches, Ostwick preferably. Hell, you could have found me in Kirkwall during the Qunari attack and the blowing up of the Chantry, I was there at both times. As for the sword, it defeats the purpose of swinging a staff when you can't cut any one with anything but a small point at the end of the staff. Though a staff is more effective for spells, the sword jut works better, I've used a sword since Ostagar. To explain the whole smart-ass thing, nothing works better than being a smart ass; being smart while having a lovely ass, what's not to love?" After this explanation Casandra's face just screamed 'Murder'. _Varic and I were correct, she is just the hurricane covering our rays of sunshine. _

Casandra just stalks out the door, slamming it behind her. "If she didn't hate me before she does now."  
"I don't think that was her issue, she really angered the monarchy of Ferelden. She was constantly after them demanding from the King to know where you were. It didn't go over well, none of the Grey Wardens would talk with her after a few weeks of her hounding after them."  
"Doesn't surprise me, Nathaniel was less than happy with my 'resignation' to the Warden-Commander. Whole big thing of being a 'traitor to the cause'."  
"If you don't mind me asking Lady Cousland, but your accent isn't Ferelden, is it? It sounds more Orlesian." Josephine speaks up, causing all eyes in the room to look at me, I look at the other two but avoid _his_ eyes. "Very well picked up, well my time around Leli' had caused a slight change in my accent, I pick up new accents quickly, and my accent became an Antivan, Orlesian and Ferelden all in one by the end of the blight. Once the blight was over I returned to the circle from there I moved from the Circle in Ferelden to the one in Ostwick about a month after the blight, from there I became a Senior Enchanter and started working as a diplomat, fun. I spent a month in Kirkwall trying to train some mages, but left after the Qunari attack. Then spent the rest of that year in Orlais, I have spent overall nearly two years in Orlais. I actually came from Orlais, received a message to go to the conclave from the First Enchanter in Ostwick. Give it a month and I will have my soft Ferelden accent back, I was always told that the Orlesian accent suited me better, my voice is too soft for the Ferelden accent."  
"I like your voice, its pleasant." Josephine smiles at me, I can't help but feel at ease around her. I realise that her is her job, to make people like her._ Damn, she's got me._ "But, what about the way you hold yourself? Had no one mentioned you were a mage I would have thought you to be a raised noble and a rouge."  
"Well, my mother taught me from young how to behave as a noble, and it's just kind of stuck. Among that I have noble family in Ostwick who were more than happy to take me out of the circle to attend noble things, yes they did that in Ostwick. Ostwick was more relaxed than most other circles, minus that of Minrathous and Orlais. I did get to participate in the game in Orlais and Ostwick during the five years I was a diplomat. It's a good trait to have, the nobles in the Landsmeet in Ferelden during the blight believed I was a rouge before… well that doesn't matter." I smile to try and cover up the pain I was feeling, Josephine and Cullen both looked confused, but thankfully didn't say anything, Leliana just wrapped her arm around my waist. "Well, I think we should go sort out our next plan of action in our heads while the Seeker cools hers off." With that I turn and walk out of the War room.

_That was awkward, I need to sort out my emotions, because I know I will have to talk about the blight and its details at some point. Why did you have to do this Alistair? _

**A/N: I really miss Leliana's soft voice she had in Origins, she sounded so sweet. **

**I'm sorry to any Alistair lovers out there if I made him sound like a complete ass. I love him dearly, hell he is fighting for the top spot with Cullen. I had to make him an ass for this story, the reason why will come later. **

**Inquisition is still not working :( again if anyone knows what's happened or has/had the same issue let me know please. **

**Hukomuyo: It's nice to know you find it enjoyable :) **

**Thank you to my two followers, it's nice to know people want to keep reading.**

**The last chapter (the preview) has been taken down, hope you enjoy this chapter, if you do please follow, fav, review if you want, it really makes my day.**

**Kae XD**

**P.S. this is my longest one yet, if it is getting too long please let me know and I will try and cut down chapter sizes. Also I'm back at school for my second term, so I will not be updating as often (I'll try and aim for once a week, no promises). **


	4. Chapter 3- An Interesting Day

The air was pleasantly cool walking out of the stuffy chantry; that was before a strong gust of wind came up the hill bringing its frozen touch and sharp bite. The mangy gates of Haven did little to deter it off its course. Shuffling through the snow was not the best time of my life, everyone had moved back to their respective places. Varric, who I passed as I headed for the front gates, nodded towards me but made no attempt to hail me down to talk; for that I am thankful.

The landscape changes as I walk, it changes from the bustling village to tent city that housed the army to the rustling, Forrest. I need to find some way to occupy myself, not that I ever find it on this walk, all that greets me is memories and decisions. Reaching a cabin, I opened the door and walked forward allowing the door to swing shut behind me. My legs are unable to hold my body collapsed under the stress and worry that I now carry. I always knew that the 'Inquisition' was looking for me, but I couldn't be part of it; I was meant to be dead for Andraste's sake. When I heard that they were looking for Hawke, I hid mainly in Antiva, where Zevran proved to be an invaluable resource to escape the 'Inquisition'. I hid under the pretence of training other Knight-Enchanter, as Casandra and the others were looking for a Grey-Warden, who would have thought to look at the Circle of Magi? I didn't want to be reminded of the horrors that happened during the blight, I wanted to retune to who I was before the blight. It was a stupid wish, one that would never happen but I wished.

Looking at Cullen it is hard to see the young, innocent templer that I once knew before he was tortured by the abominations and demons. Now looking at him all I see is a haunted, sad look; Kirkwall destroyed any of the boy I knew and created a man out of the broken parts. It was the same with a lot of my friends who I once called companions, they have turned to a darker version of themselves. Leliana, Anders, Varric, Alistair. Leliana had come from the well-meaning lay sister of the Chantry to a spymaster. Anders, I didn't see the laughter in his eyes like they were when we were Grey-Wardens, I only saw justice- or what he had become… Vengeance. Varric, after what happened to Anders and the fall of Kirkwall, his home. Alistair… he changed so much during the blight, in the end he wasn't the witty ex-templer that had become a Grey-Warden. I wish I knew what changed during that time, I thought it wouldn't change at all, but it did.

Wiping the tears off my face, I stood up and walked around the cabin, to shake off the bad memories. I walk to a table that is littered with parchment, picking it up I notice certain ingredients on the paper, it looked to be a research paper on Lyrium potions. Deciding that I have avoided the bipolar town that loves me and wants to kill me long enough, turn out the door and begin the long hike to Adan's.

_"Stupid, bloody thing come off!" bouncing around, twisting and pulling I knock many things over. Yelling in frustration as I end up knocking over an inkwell and spread the black liquid everywhere, I gave up on the notion that jumping helps. What am I doing? Attempting, and failing miserably, to remove the armour that clings to my body. I have somehow ended up in a pretzel form when I hear a nervous cough behind, its 3 in the morning and no one should be up and about. Fearing who is standing behind me I turn around and it's Cullen who stands there.

"Er, Herald, what are you doing?"

"Trying to remove my armour…"

"Right, do you want a hand?"

"Sure…"Turning around I allow Cullen to undo the straps holding my breastplate in position, it was awkward to say the least, but at least it was coming off.

"So tell me, Herald..."

"Commander, I have a name, and Maker knows that you know it. At least you would know it after 10 years."

"Ok then, Akaviri: how the bloody hell did you get your armour on, yet can't take it off?"

"I don't know, it is just easier to get on then off."

"Well, it might actually help if you actually put it on correctly. You have mixed up the straps, it shouldn't be easier to get it and harder to get it off, it should be even with difficulty. However, being a mage, you would have no experience with armour." Cullen finally got the blasted plate off, sighing I turn to him, expecting him to go on about not knowing anything about armour, but as usual he surprises me. "Though you have stated you were a battle mage, so you would know about some form of armour. so I had Harriet make you some armour, it's won't be as good as your Warden armour. however, without supplies its the best we can do."

"Anything is better than this... I... Thanks, Cullen."

"You're welcome though it's not just me you should thank. Leliana and Josephine helped, Leliana decided what you would like, Josie chose the colours and what not, and I worked on the actual armour."

"I forgot that you often don't like talking things out, but I feel that this is something that needs to be discussed. What happened during the blight?"

"Things fell apart, life never goes the way you want it to."

"You're not going to tell me are you?"

"Not even Leliana truly knows if that's any comfort."

"No, it's not. I know from Leliana that you were close to during the blight. I understand, but I know what it's like to need a friend to talk to about what happened during that time. As you stated, we have known each other for many years, and I know you will tell me when you are ready."

"Thanks, Cullen, I should be able to handle the rest now."

"Very well then, good night herald."

"Good night commander."

_If anyone knows the suffering of the blight, it's him... Not that he fought against the darkspawn, but he knows enough of the pain from that time. We are still as broken as 5 years ago, that will never change it will seem._

___**A/N: Short chapter, I know, it kills me too. This was a filler chapter as I'm on holidays and I can't get Inquisition to work on my main computer before I leave, and it sucks on my laptop, so until I return filler chapters all round.**

**The next one is going to be Cullen's point of view for something different. please let me know if it sucks and i will do it only in OC point of view.**


	5. Chapter 4- Cullen's Dream

Chapter 4- Cullen's dream

I'm standing in a circular room full of stain glass windows… _I know here, it's the harrowing chamber._ This is a room of good memories and horrible memories.

"_Today will be interesting young Templars, it is important lesson and that's why we have gathered here today. Today we see a phylactery being created, this is important as it allows us to find mages if they go rouge."_

That was the first time I saw her, she was 13 when she joined the circle. She was short, one could have called her a dwarf if it wasn't for the fact that she directed a lightning bolt to a tree in the middle of a storm to scare her brother, no one noticed though. What gave it away was she stopped a horse from nearly killing someone after it freaked, many people knew she had a way with animals, it just so happened that the incident occurred at a festival and a Templar was there and felt the pull on the fade as she calmed the beast. When the Templar pointed it out later to her family she just went with the Templar, no screaming, no fighting, and said bye to her brothers and other family members then was on her way to the tower.

The scene changes again, this time I am running around the circle with other Templars, apparently Akaviri escaped the circle without even being a full-fledged mage and only 15. We had reached the top of the tower, there was a ladder that lead to the roof, but that door was always locked.

"_Ugh, she is gone again, how the hell do we lose a mage?"  
"Have you used her phylactery?"  
"Yes you moron I have, it says that she is right here?"_

It turns out that she had managed to magically (or not, no one knows even to this day how she managed it) unlock the door and sat and watched the birds fly around Lake Calanhad. I had been the one to point it out that if we had checked everywhere but the phylactery told us that she was right where we were standing on the top floor wouldn't that be the only explanation. Needless to say I was right, they kept the door lock real tight after that, but somehow she managed to get out.

I close my eyes, silently laughing to myself. Opening my eyes I see that I am now standing in the harrowing chamber, this was the night of Akaviri Harrowing. She walks up the stone stairs into the circular room that has lyrium pots everywhere making my ears ring with its power, her hair is slightly messy, not the smooth braid it usually resides in. she had been woken up, dragged from her warm bed into the freezing chamber in the middle of the night, maybe to even face her death.

"_She is coming out of the fade!"  
"Don't be daft she has been in there for like half an hour!"  
"Really? Cause the body collapsed on the floor stirring as to wake up says otherwise."_

I walked with another Templar to the apprentice quarters, that's when I noticed Jowan awake watching us with distaste as we placed Akaviri on her bed. Jowan was to be made tranquil against his will as the other Templars believed him to be maleficar- blood mage- everything that Akaviri stands against, yet she remains friends with him… _She probably didn't know, not until Jowan nearly killed everyone._

"_Gregor you must come, an initiate is fraternising with a mage, more to the point, a suspected blood mage."  
"That is not good… What was that rumbling?"  
"They must have broken into the phylactery chamber!"_

After that we all ran to the base of the tower, at that time Akaviri, Jowan and Lily were walking out of the chamber. Words were spoken, Akaviri turned out to be doing all of this under the orders of the First-Enchanter, Lily was sent to Aeonar, and Jowan did turn out to be a blood mage. He casted a blood spell that sent everyone but Lily who was standing directly behind him flying away, I landed beside the First-Enchanter, where Akaviri knelt beside him… or me as I often like to look at it. I didn't realise that this would be the last time I truly saw her until the blight stuck and the tower taken over by blood mages.

I close my eyes to try and remember any other face, she looked so sad to be dragged away from the circle by the Grey-Warden. It was not the noise or site I noticed first, but the smell. Decaying corpses and her sweet perfume, another desire demon trying to tempt me using my fascination with her. They had dragged my friends off and killed them, Maker knows what they were doing to the mages, but the screaming coming from the harrowing chamber was not natural. When she showed up, I was not myself, thinking back I made a fool of myself and hurt her more than the demons trying to break me ever did.

"_Shifting through my thoughts… tempting me with the one thing I always wanted but could never have… Using my shame against me… my ill-advised infatuation with her… a mage, of all things."  
"Uh, I don't think I should be hearing this…"  
"I am beyond caring what you think. The Maker knows my sins, and I pray that he will forgive me."_ Maker, I was an ass, I took my anger undeservingly out on her… But Maker, I was so tired and what the demons did to her body, 'The Maker knows my sins', that was all too accurate for my situation. I wanted to accept what they were offering, but I had to stay strong for her, I didn't want to ruin any of the good memories I had of her by accepting.

I saw her from time to time after that, my anger caused a lot of issues between mages and Templars, so I was often kept away from them, not that it was easy considering the state that the tower was in. in the few times I did see her was once when she brought in a dwarf to help and to allow to study, and other various times when I was on watch outside of the tower and she would come to trade. I noticed as time went on with her coming and going she had grown close to the other warden she travelled with, often I would feel jealousy about that, but my anger and pain at what happened stopped me talking to her… maybe that was a good thing, with the blight I was the last thing on her mind, she didn't need me to make the situation worse.

Joining the Inquisition was my way to try to atone for what I had done in the past to mages, in a way to make it up to Akaviri for what I said, even if she never knows. It made me feel better, though the lyrium withdrawals quickly sucked the happiness out of me about finally being away from all of that. The conclave was destroyed, people had died and the Veil ripped open allowing demons to fall from the sky. I was sorting out my armour to prepare the men to keep the demons at bay until we sort out what to do, when I heard commotion.

"_Someone has fallen out of the fade, a girl!"  
"Bullshit someone fell out of the rift, it is impossible!"  
"No, I'm telling you she was laying on the ground green shit sparking everywhere"_

All I remember thinking was "Maker this reminds me of Akaviri, and the time she escaped the circle"… little did I know how right I was.

The next time I saw her was on the battle field on the way to the Temple of Sacred Ashes, we had been fighting demon non-stop for three days, we were tired and over the bullshit that the sky was dealing us. When she arrived I was angry, in truth I didn't fully recognise her. Her hair was more or less out, she had grown more, her skin was paler than before, and she was in some form of armour and had a tattoo under her eye. The way I sounded as she walked around it was no wonder that she sounded like she was going to cry, I was an ass, again. Looking back now, she couldn't even look me in the eye; Maker, I made her hate me this much? I will never be able to fix this now.

After helping the men get to healers and what not I went to the temple to see what had happened, the breach pulsed then no more demons rained down on us, yet it still remained, why? Had Akaviri failed?

"_Solas is she alright?"  
"It's hard to tell, her breathing is shallow, she is pale, and her pulse is almost no existent."_

I remember hearing this and walking over to her side, there was no one who would be able to carry her weight down the mountain, Casandra had tried to move her away from the breach a few days earlier but was unable to. So I took it upon myself to carry her down to Haven in order to get better care and hopefully no one would kill our only savour.

"_A mage who swings a sword and is a smart ass?!"  
"Nothing works better than being a smart ass; being smart while having a lovely ass, what's not to love?"_

It has been around 5 years since I have seen her and she hasn't changed. If the people of Haven didn't kill her, Cassandra would. She had pissed off the scariest woman I know that carries a sword and shield, I say this as Leliana is scary with her bow and information, and Josephine will make you cry with just words.

"_No purple will not work with the colours of the Inquisition! Green is the best bet, or even red; but no way purple"  
"But she likes the colour purple! We should at least take her interests into account!"_

Leliana and Josephine had been arguing over the Herald's new armour, as the basic recruit armour was not affective for her to continue using. Between the three of us we came up with an acceptable uniform, one that she would be happy to wear and shows that she is part of the Inquisition and Herald of Andraste.

Helping Akaviri with her armour was an interesting experience, I never realised that she even knew how to put armour on, though it made sense as when she returned to the tower she wasn't wearing her robes, but some form of blue robes. I am to understand that it was Grey-Warden armour, which she discarded after the blight.

A knock on my door roused me to full consciousness, time for another meeting was my guess, and a way to see how much Akaviri can piss off Casandra yet again.

**A/N: It has come to my attention that the story glitched and was unable to be read, so this is a slightly modified story. I have changed some elements of the story, but looking at it I want to -change it again, so I'll probably re-read what I have done and just replace all of the chapters in one go plus one more so every one who follows this (thanks to all of those people) will get a message (I don't think if I update a chapter it lets you know… let me know if it does) **


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